she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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