i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
