do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
