remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
