I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
