I think I died a long time ago.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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