You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
