you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it was like eating out sand paper
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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