ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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