Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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