not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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