i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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