my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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