I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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