I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
