If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
