I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
