this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
