we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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