Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
