I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
