I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
