I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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