What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
