I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just threw up on my dentist
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
