i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
