I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
