Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
