Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
