I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
