I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
