Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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