I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
