Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
whose ass print is on the piano?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
