i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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