Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
