Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
