I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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