Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
