Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
