i jhust puked up my retainher.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
