I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
