Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
