I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
