On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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