I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
