It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
