Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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