Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
