Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
