my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
