i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize