but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
