Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
