I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
