we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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