My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
